MY MOTHER HAS A RETIREMENT PLAN FOR ME

 

Previously posted on Facebook August 7, 2016, ·

So, mom and I were having a celebratory Martini and discussing whether shellfish can or cannot be devoured when pregnant and came to the conclusion that there could or could not be enough mercury in it to either make the answer a yeh, or a neh. Either way, the chances of either one of us getting pregnant are pretty slim - even if mom is still sneaking men in through her bedroom window when I'm not looking and having her way with them, which she assures me she's not...Hey, never underestimate the sexual prowess of an 83 year old! 

Mom: "I tell the kids you're always feeding me tuna fish".

Me: "I don't always feed you tuna fish. I only give you tuna when you ask for it and that's not that often. Thank God. That stuff is disgusting."

Me: "And that's just great, mom. When they do the autopsy and find one minute nano-gram more mercury in your system than you're supposed to have, the kids will tell the police I fed you tuna nonstop trying to poison you with mercury and I'll go to the "big house" and die in an orange jumpsuit - killed by someone named "Babs"......You know how I feel about orange."

Mom: "Orange isn't that bad...I wear it. And that's the point."

Me: "What's the point?"

Mom: "The way I see it when I die you'll have nowhere to go and the kids won't take care of you. This way you'll have a roof over your head and food to eat. Stay away from "Babs" and you'll be fine. The orange jumpsuits will grow on you and they even bury you!"

Mom: "Now you have a retirement plan. We can toast to that next..."

13

IT HELPS TO PUSH THE START BUTTON

This afternoon I sat down at the computer, turned on my fan for the computer, looked at the monitor and waited. And waited And waited.

I then gave the mouse a little shake, looked at the computer, looked back at the monitor and waited. And waited. And waited. And waited.

I then gave the mouse another little shake, banged it on the mouse pad, shook it furiously, stopped, looked back at the computer and said out loud (with emphasis on the "loud" part) to nobody but myself, "OH shit! You have to press the little button to turn on the computer before you'll see a picture on the screen, Raylene. Get with the program, Dudette!"

I then looked around to see if anybody witnessed this when I heard, from all the way down the hall, "Is this the second, or third time this week you did the same damn thing?"

Thanks for pointing that out for me, mom.

I then cursed my brother for dying in the nick of time leaving me to take care of her, and Catholic School for making me feel guilty about even thinking of not taking care of her.

With that out of the way, I then thanked God for giving me a mom who, though we clash constantly, took very good care of me and is still taking care of me, because who knows where I would be without her.

I'm sure I would be less stressed though, but what fun would driving be if I didn't have to look forward to our drives and her grabbing the dash with a death like grip every time I came to a stop or had to turn a corner?

I can tell you my life would just not be complete.....
(©2013 RayleneDeschenes)