CREATION by Moi!

 The Bible got it wrong, People, and I'm here to set things straight.

 

God made the world in six days. But, on the seventh day He didn't rest as the bible says.

 

He took a look at what he had done and knew something was amiss. Then it hit Him! “I've got it!” He said. With that, he created Moi!  That's right. God then said “She is the Icing on the Cake!" With that done, God, being quite pleased with himself, decided to take a Holy nap.

 

No sooner did He lay His head upon the pillow, He was jolted upright by a group of His most Holy homies all talking amongst themselves, and then to Him.

 

Apparently, my  existence created a glitch in the system. It's true. But once God got His Holy Techies on it, it was just a matter of time before they upgraded the system to accept my awesomeness.

 

It was at that point grass grew, birds sung, paint dried, and rainbows sparkled. God knew He had created a perfectness that was one of a kind. He smiled, gave a long sigh,  and laid back down to continue his Holy snooze. 

 

And all was right with the world!

 

I just thought I'd clear that up for you.... 👑🍷

BEAM ME UP! ....please?

I just finished reading an article stating Earthlings are not ready for Alien encounters and I beg to differ.

I have been waiting (for a number of years now) to be beamed up and nothing! Not a tingle, not an inkling, not even an occasional hair standing up on the back of my neck when even thinking about being beamed up! To say I'm disappointed would be an understatement. Would it hurt them to at least send a “Thank You, But No Thank You” letter:

Dear Raylene,

We appreciate your selfless interest in being beamed up, but after running a background check, credit report, and hacking into the NSA files under your name, we have come to the conclusion you would not be an acceptable beamee — not now, not ever — in this lifetime, or your next lifetime, and probably not the one after that one either.

Live long and prosper,

The Federation Of Extraterrestrials
Beaming Up Earthlings For Fun, Profit,
and Just 'Cuz We Can

THE ZIT

I have a zit on the very tip of my nose. 

My perfectly formed, lily-white nose has a big RED bulbous zit on the very tip of it — right smack dab in the middle of the tip of my nose!

Every time I pass a mirror it gets bigger................and bigger.................and BIGGER!  The zit — NOT my nose!

The last time I passed the bathroom, I looked..... and (I swear to God!) it (the zit) winked at me!  Of course, I wasn't wearing my glasses, but I'm telling you, it winked at me........ And it did it with a smirk!

So, of course, me being me, I wasn't having it.  I did what any zit inflicted person would do...................................................................... I squeezed it.   I took the very tip of my nose between two fingers and I squeezed the living hell out of it.......yes!   I showed that zit who was boss and that zit laughed its ass off right back at me! 

The zit is now more of a giant round red bump on the end of my nose, engulfing my nose like it owned it and daring me to do anything about it, then calling me “bitch” just because it can.  Seriously! 

I have been dominated, overthrown, stepped on and put out to pasture by a zit........ I'm so ashamed.....

Wait!  I have pointy tweezers!  All is not lost!  Your Queen may have been beaten, but I'm still in the game!  I will conquer said zit with my pointy tweezers!  I will gather my 5X magnifying lens, my glasses, my LED light and my pointy tweezers and I will annihilate that zit and any other offending pores while I'm at it!  That zit will be at my mercy!  I will make it cry “Uncle”, then kill it anyway, and I will take great joy in doing so, both for revenge and because I can!  You're going down, zit — and with a vengeance! 

I'll let you know how that goes.....

MY MICROWAVE BIT THE DUST!

Woe is me!

A great tragedy has befallen The Kingdom Of All That Is Moi! One unlike any The Kingdom has ever experienced before!

It happened day before yesterday, but I was unable to bring myself to talk about it until now....

Thursday evening, feeling overworked and unappreciated, my microwave committed suicide! It left its comatose corpse with a sticky note attached that read:

 “Raylene,

You should have appreciated the easy-peasy life which I had given you a little more than you did. You took advantage of all my bells and whistles, my self-turning table, numerous quick set buttons, and high voltage to appease your hunger and loathing to cook. Yet, aside from a daily wipe-down, I don't think you knew who I was. Let's see how much you appreciate me now that I'm gone.

Ha, ha, ha!

Your Microwave,
Fluffy”.

(heavy sobbing, sniffle, sniffle!)

There are no words, people....... There are just no words......

A Conversation With My Mom

My mom and I were talking about life in Butte, Montana (where both she, and I was born).

She mentioned her aunt's house that was up on a hill overlooking the town. At the bottom of the hill was a vacant lot the city would fill with water in the winter to make an ice skating rink. From the time my sister (Denise/Deny) and I could walk we could ice skate. We each had a little pair of white figure skates. If we weren't home, we'd be at the ice rink skating.

Mom: “You used to skate all the time and you were very good. I don't know what happened when we moved here, you sat down and never got up again...”

Me: “I got up to go to the bathroom, school and shopping. , then later on I got up to go to work. Making your statement void and without merit.”

Mom: “Your sister had a boyfriend.”

Me: “She had a few.”

Mom: “No. At the skating rink. She had a boyfriend at the skating rink. He would take her hand, and they would skate around the rink holding hands. He was much older than she was.”

Me: “How old was he? He couldn't have been much older because we weren't very old to begin with.”

Mom: ” He was five. He used to call my uncle every day to see if she would be at the rink that evening to skate. My uncle would tell him he didn't know any Denise and if he did he wouldn't let her talk to him because he was too old for her.”

Me: “That's funny. Poor kid! So, you let Denise have a boyfriend at two years old....she was always a hussy.”

Mom: “You didn't have a boyfriend. You were too bossy, nobody liked you.”

Me: “The whole “no boyfriend” thing is keeping with a theme, huh... We all know how I like a good theme. As for being bossy, that was my Royal DNA kicking in. Even at a young age I knew I would rule the world some day and was practicing. There is a need for leaders, even the toddlers at the skating rink — I was just filling the bill.”

Mom: “Now you don't have a boyfriend and nobody likes you because you're delusional.”

Me: “I can live with that.”

Mom: “Well I can't, so snap out of it! How did I give birth to you? Sometimes I just look at you and  wonder...”

Me laughing: “Neil (my brother) and Denise used to wonder the same thing, remember? Too funny!”

I turned to look at her, and she was looking at me with “that” look and I finally knew what she was thinking...” You know, mom, Superman was beamed down from another planet into a field where his earth parents found him, took him home and raised him.... You don't have flashbacks of a field somewhere do you?”

Mom: “Just go, Raylene...”

Me: “How about a burning bush and a cute guy with nice hair and wings?”

Mom: “Not funny, Raylene. Now go!”

I'm thinking she wouldn't want to read my own rewritten version of Genesis where God creates the world, and then He creates me... I'm thinking I can lay that on her on a Two Martini Sunday, not a No Martini Tuesday.....
(©2016 Raylene Deschenes)

I Had A Dream

I had a dream.

In that dream, God said, “Raylene, I have given you a gift. The gift I have given you is meant to be shared. So, go now and share your gift with the masses, and Kingdom of Heaven will be yours”.

So I went and shared my gift far and wide. Three teens and a colorful reputation later, I had another dream. In that dream God said, “Raylene, that's not the gift I was talking about”.....NOW He tells me!

I could have been stingy and kept my gift to my self, But no, “Thy will be done” popped into my head and it was on!
(©2010 Raylene Deschenes)

FOOD FOR THOUGHT by Moi!

I tend to take people at face value and it bites me in the butt most of the time. What is wrong with being who you are and being honest about what you want, where you're going and how you plan on getting there (figuratively speaking)?

I understand everyone of us has our “me” times. We have to be selfish at times to pull ourselves out of the muck we find ourselves drowning in just living day to day. It's when we get wrapped up in the “me” mode for weeks, or months at a time that the problem lies.

Most of us were raised to think being selfish is a bad thing, and because of that, we don't want to see it in ourselves let alone admit to it when we finally do. So we put on our “All Caring, Look what A Great Guy/Gal I Am” persona and go out into the world — smiling at the people around us, pretending to listen to them, but not really hearing them because “I” have more important things to do, or places to be. When in “me” mode, we become walking zombies, stomping the people who truly care about us into the ground.

There is nothing wrong with being selfish from time to time, as long as you don't make it a career path. We need to be selfish sometimes for our own mental sanity. We have all been there.
(©2019 Raylene Deschenes)

MY MOTHER HAS A RETIREMENT PLAN FOR ME

 

Previously posted on Facebook August 7, 2016, ·

So, mom and I were having a celebratory Martini and discussing whether shellfish can or cannot be devoured when pregnant and came to the conclusion that there could or could not be enough mercury in it to either make the answer a yeh, or a neh. Either way, the chances of either one of us getting pregnant are pretty slim - even if mom is still sneaking men in through her bedroom window when I'm not looking and having her way with them, which she assures me she's not...Hey, never underestimate the sexual prowess of an 83 year old! 

Mom: "I tell the kids you're always feeding me tuna fish".

Me: "I don't always feed you tuna fish. I only give you tuna when you ask for it and that's not that often. Thank God. That stuff is disgusting."

Me: "And that's just great, mom. When they do the autopsy and find one minute nano-gram more mercury in your system than you're supposed to have, the kids will tell the police I fed you tuna nonstop trying to poison you with mercury and I'll go to the "big house" and die in an orange jumpsuit - killed by someone named "Babs"......You know how I feel about orange."

Mom: "Orange isn't that bad...I wear it. And that's the point."

Me: "What's the point?"

Mom: "The way I see it when I die you'll have nowhere to go and the kids won't take care of you. This way you'll have a roof over your head and food to eat. Stay away from "Babs" and you'll be fine. The orange jumpsuits will grow on you and they even bury you!"

Mom: "Now you have a retirement plan. We can toast to that next..."

13

SCHOOL ZONES

There are two school zones within a few blocks of each other on a street I drive almost every day. They are both elementary schools - one Christian school with a 25 mph speed limit and the other is a private school with a 15 mph speed limit.

My son:  "Mom, you're going too slow. Speed up or you'll get a ticket."
Me:  "This is a school zone and I'm going the required speed limit"
Son:  "No, you're going too slow. You where going faster in the last school zone."
Me:   "That was a Christian elementary school and the limit was 25 mph. This is a Private school and and the speed limit is 15 mph."
Son:  "Why would they do that? Give them different speed limits if they're both elementary schools?"
Me (not being privy to how they set school zones):  "The private school kids aren't as fast as the christian school kids so they have a slower speed limit.
Then me (because I just couldn't resist - and I tried,  God help me, I tried!)  "The Catholic schools don't have a speed limit at all because those kids are really fast.   Those kids are super heroes."

My son just stared at me for what seemed like the longest time, then said:  "Don't talk to me.  Don't talk to me, mom, for the rest of the ride." He then put earphones in, cranked up the tunes he had stored on his phone and that was it until we got to our destination.

Well, I thought it was as good an excuse as any and I only have a couple of years left before their brains are fully developed and I won't be able to mess with their heads anymore. This is my one joy in life - right up there with wine and The Sims 2!
(©2015 RayleneDeschenes)

THE EPIPHANY

Two days ago I had an experience I have not been able to speak of until today.  It was an experience I won't soon forget, and one I'm sure I won't experience again anytime soon.  The only way I can describe what happened would be.........well..........It was an epiphany of sorts.  Yes, that was it - I had an epiphany!

I was taking Frankie (my son) to work that day.  It was hot, it was humid, we got a late start and were really pushing it time wise, so we decided this time we'd take the Freeway.  No sooner did we get to the I 95 exit, right past the point of no return did we realize we were in Hell and the only thing we could do is go with it.  This was the start of Happy Hour on the freeway and we were stuck right dab in the middle of it.  Oh joy of joys. 

We sauntered along at a snails pace.  Going.  Stopping.  Going. Slowing, going, stopping.  Gunning it only to stop on a dime to keep some dumb-ass I had noticed earlier and who didn't have a clue what the hell she was doing from cutting in front of us. My air conditioner was on. It was blowing warm to almost hot air at us, but it was a breeze and the hot air it was blowing was not as hot as the air outside, so we left it on, then flipped off the dumb-ass from earlier who managed to cut in front of us after all, and miserably pushed forward, hoping to get to our destination before we died of old age or heat stroke - which ever happened first.

While I was busy swearing at dumb-ass drivers, Frankie managed to remain focused on our goal and started yelling at me to move over the next three lanes NOW or we will miss our turnoff.  I go into Offense Mode, gunning the car and cutting off anybody I had to to get over into the far lane and off onto our exit.

The car jerked then jerked again.  I gunned it, it kinda sorta kicked into gear, did some weird thing and stuttered up the hill, barely making it into the turn lane.  While the car was doing it's damnedest to follow my commands, I look at the dash and notice a light that wasn't on a few minutes before.  I look at Frankie and say, "Well, that light wasn't on a minute ago.  I don't know what it means.  Little squiggly lines across with a strait line going down and a circle above it.  Hmmm.  Probably oil - well, I'll worry about that latter."

Frankie looks at it and immediately is turning off the air conditioner and opening the windows.  Just as we get into the turn lane the light turns yellow, then red.  Frankie yells at me to keep going and run the light, "Go, mom!  GO!"

But I didn't go.  I stopped.

"OMG, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Frankie yelled at me.   "I'm not running a red light!  I explained that to you before." I replied. "And turn the AC back on!"   "Mom, you're over heating!  We'll get stuck here in the turn lane now! If you ran the light we could of pulled over in that vacant lot and been off the street!"

I look at the temperature thingy and sure enough, It was way beyond the "H".  Holly crap!
"It usually steams before it overheats.  I didn't see any steam.  Maybe the thingy is broken."
" It didn't steam because there is NOTHING left in it to steam!"  Frankie said.   "Oh. That sucks." I replied deciding not to mention I was also out of gas.

The light turned green and I went.  I didn't pull over until I got to a business center parking lot. I pulled in and parked in a space. Frankie got out and walked the rest of the way to work - about a mile and a half, maybe two.

I'm sitting in the car wondering what the hell am I going to do in 110 degree heat while the engine cools off so I can put water in the radiator and be on my merry way.

And that's when it happened.  I looked up to see where I was.

It was just like it would have happened in a movie.  Time stood still.  The clouds opened up, and I swear to God I heard angels sing.  I was broke down in front of a Bar and Grill.  YES!  I had pulled up to a Bar and Grill.  I was stranded, for God knows how long, at a Bar and Grill!  "THANK YOU, BABY JESUS!  THANK YOU!  THANK YOU!  THANK YOU!"

I walked into the Bar and Grill,  explained my dilemma to the manager who let me barrow his phone (a whole other story), called AAA to bring me gas - no rush, then found the perfect spot at the bar and ordered a glass of wine secure in the knowledge that someone "up there" is looking out for me - Thank you, Daddy......

(©2015 RayleneDeschenes)

THE DRAMA IN EATING ANIMAL CRACKERS

I'm eating animal crackers right now. :)  

I ALWAYS bite the heads  off first.   If I don't, I imagine them begging for their lives, and at the very last minute, screaming for their mommy.   It's very disconcerting.   

I start feeling guilty and get an overwhelming desire to go to confession, but once there what would I say?  "Bless me Father for...........I have nibbled(?).   I bit my animal cookie's behind, then ate it's head when it screamed for it's mommy." ?   I don't want a priest to think I have issues.  My mother would be appalled if anyone thought her daughter had issues, let alone a Priest.  What if he refuses to offer me absolution?   Would I get pissed and eat the heads off the remaining crackers, putting the bodies back in the box to eat later?   Maybe, but that would be inhumane.   I'd go to hell for sure then and even though that's where the fun people are, I've already had my fair share of fun and  wouldn't mind a rest.

Then there are the neighbors.   What if the guy waiting in line behind me heard my confession and told his friend,  who told a friend, who told a friend who happened to be a neighbor.   My mom's favorite line while we were growing up was, "What would the neighbors think?!?"    I'm sure the neighbors have nothing else to do than talk about us.

Holy crap, what WOULD the neighbors think if they found out how I ate animal crackers?   Would we be shunned by Neighborhood Watch?   Expelled by the homeowners association?   Chastised by the block party committee members?   My mother would be applaud and we wouldn't want that!  

Now that I think about it,  I don't really like animal crackers all that much anyway and there's a perfectly good Chip Ahoy in the freezer calling my name.....

Who knew there was this much drama in the way you eat an animal cracker?   I'm forced to ask myself if it's worth it.......

NOTE TO SELF: 

Find out if they have animal crackers in hell, and if that truly  is where all the fun people go - just in case.........

(©2014 RayleneDeschenes)

ISSUES

 

Posted May 5, 2014 on Facebook

I'm having issues.  Personal issues, computer issues, browser issues, boredom issues, creativity issues, money issues, and just plain issues in general.  I REALLY hate issues.  They're unhealthy.

There is no doubt in my mind that I will overcome these issues and prevail because I always do - not necessarily because I have faced them head-on and conquer them - that's hard.  I will readjust my priorities to not include any of the above subjects therefore completely destroying their ability to create stress in my "life" forever more.  What a plan!

......Except for my browser and computer issues.  All of my friends live in my computer. I will have to fix those issues head-on.  If I don't address the money issue I will have nowhere to plug in my computer trapping my friends and that just won't do.  So, I will have to face the computer, browser, and money issue head on - but that's it!

Well, except for the boredom and creativity issues.  I do really dumb things when I'm bored. We can't have that!  A look at the last 27 years of my "life" will explain everything - HOLY CRAP SHOOT! We really can 't have that.  I will face the computer, browser, money, boredom and creativity issues because I just can't re-prioritize them without there being casualties, but not another issue will I be willing to face head-on!  No sirree!  Not one more!

.....Then again, who would I be if I De-prioritized personal issues?  Issues all about me!  My most favorite subject!  I just wouldn't be me and that would truly suck!  <Shedding a tear just thinking about it - Give me a moment, please.....sniffle...>

So, after all that I'm back at square one, making this entire post pointless.....I still have issues and you just spent minutes of time you will never get back reading this....HOLY HELL!   You must have just as many issues as I do or you would be spending this time doing something other than reading about my issues!   Thank God I'm not alone.  I have to tell you, I really hate being miserable alone.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone I like.   But if you're miserable in general, you've come to the right place.    I feel so much better knowing there are others out there in the same boat that I'm almost giddy!

Thank you for that.  You are a real friend.......But, Dude, I gotta tell you - We have to get a life......... 
(©2014 RayleneDeschenes)

IT HELPS TO PUSH THE START BUTTON

This afternoon I sat down at the computer, turned on my fan for the computer, looked at the monitor and waited. And waited And waited.

I then gave the mouse a little shake, looked at the computer, looked back at the monitor and waited. And waited. And waited. And waited.

I then gave the mouse another little shake, banged it on the mouse pad, shook it furiously, stopped, looked back at the computer and said out loud (with emphasis on the "loud" part) to nobody but myself, "OH shit! You have to press the little button to turn on the computer before you'll see a picture on the screen, Raylene. Get with the program, Dudette!"

I then looked around to see if anybody witnessed this when I heard, from all the way down the hall, "Is this the second, or third time this week you did the same damn thing?"

Thanks for pointing that out for me, mom.

I then cursed my brother for dying in the nick of time leaving me to take care of her, and Catholic School for making me feel guilty about even thinking of not taking care of her.

With that out of the way, I then thanked God for giving me a mom who, though we clash constantly, took very good care of me and is still taking care of me, because who knows where I would be without her.

I'm sure I would be less stressed though, but what fun would driving be if I didn't have to look forward to our drives and her grabbing the dash with a death like grip every time I came to a stop or had to turn a corner?

I can tell you my life would just not be complete.....
(©2013 RayleneDeschenes)

Damn Mayan Apocalypse!

Cheech (my daughter's dog) and I have been sitting in the tub waiting for the apocalypse. We have six boxes of wine for cushioning and substance, my tablet to keep in contact with those on the "outside" and my cell phone which gets crappy reception in the tub, but since my ex is the only one who's called, crappy reception is a perk. So, here I am, Mayans -WHERE'S THE DAMN APOCALYPSE???!!!!!!!!

To say I'm rather disappointed in the Mayans is an understatement. I've been waiting for years for the big bang today and.....nothing. I WAS READY TO PUT MY HEAD BETWEEN MY LEGS AND KISS MY ASS GOODBYE IN ONE SPECTACULAR APOCALYPTIC FIREWORK THE LIKES OF WHICH HAVE NEVER BEFORE BEEN SEEN BY ANY HUMAN EYE........and nothing.

IT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU MAYANS THAT I'M UNEMPLOYED, BROKE, HAVING MAJOR ISSUES WITH TWO OUT OF THREE OF MY CHILDREN, LIVE WITH MY CRANKY, CONTROLLING, CRABBY "GRAB THE DASHBOARD" WHEN I'M DRIVING MOTHER, AND AM SLAPPED IN THE FACE WITH A "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?" MOMENT ALMOST EVERY DAY BECAUSE MY EX STOPS BY "TO SEE THE KIDS" (who are all in their 20's now), BUT YOU HAVE TO SALT THE WOUNDS BY NOT GIVING ME AN APOCALYPSE?!!!! NOT EVEN A TASTE? YOU CAN'T THROW ME A BONE? YOU DAMN MAYANS!

I know what happened. Mayan Joe Blow The Calendar Maker was tweaking big time and got as far as 2012 when his buzz wore off. It was then he noticed the pain in his wrist from carving all those rocks, decided it wasn't worth it, retired to Margarita ville and NOBODY else knew how to carve a rock so that was that and here WE sit thinking you all were an advanced civilization who aliens visited and gave a "heads up" to warn those who came later, that we're all going to bite the big one on the 21st of December, 2012.

I demand to know who started this rumor, what kind of drugs was THAT GUY on, and why isn't he sharing with those of us who are sitting in our tubs, disappointed bewildered as to what to do now and trying to remember were we put our wine glass because it's just plain tacky to guzzle from the box - not to mention messy as well.
(©2012 RayleneDeschenes) 

Why I Don't Eat Eggs

French Toast!  My all time FAVORITE breakfast and the all time fave breakfast of French Royals everywhere!

I can say this with complete confidence as I am the only French Royal that counts and this was my favorite breakfast. That was until I decided, not that long ago, that I'm not eating eggs anymore.  I started thinking, "Would I like to be forced to pop out babies right and left for production purposes, or any purpose for that matter?  No, I would not!", so why should chickens be forced to pop out eggs right and left?

Do you know there is an "egg popping quota"?  Do you know what they use to inspire chickens to meet their quota?  They use a giant, laminated, black and white, cardboard cut-out of Colonel Sanders (of KFC fame) with a wild, evil grin on his face on a tiny little body which they mount on wheels, with him wielding a humongous axe with a conversation bubble over his head that reads "Appetizer, appetizer, gonna have an APPETIZER!" .  Seeing something like that coming at me would certainly make me lay an egg or two as well!  Wouldn't you?

And where is PETA when all this is happening?  I'll tell you where they are - They're at Denny's enjoying a "Grand Slam" breakfast!  That's right!  By the time they finish their eggs, the terrorized chickens back at the farm are laying eggs at an incredible rate and Colonel Sanders goes back in the box having done his job for the day!

DISCLAIMER:  The egg producing inspiration scenario just mentioned is highly unsubstantiated and therefore probably not all that true.  I understand, in real life, they use a real axe with the blood of  low/non egg producing chickens dripping from it while playing the theme song from Jaws in the background!  (This too, is highly unsubstantiated and therefore probably not all that true either.).

Untrue or not, it makes for a good story!  LOL)                                                                                 (©2010 Raylene Deschenes)

What's Up With Watermelon?

Ever wonder what's up with watermelon? Well I have.

It's juicy. So what? All fruit is juicy. It's red. How much red water have YOU drank? It has a green rind. Water can have a green mold. That's 1 point that can be made in watermelon's favor. It has a solid consistency, where as water is a liquid. So I ask you: WHAT'S UP WITH WATERMELON and what kind of crack was the guy who named it on?!?

Better yet, why didn't Webster refuse to put "watermelon" in the dictionary because it didn't make sense? Was Webster on crack too? Where him and the guy who named watermelon in kahoots?  

These are questions I have gone over and over in my mind and I bet you have too! We may never know the answer to these questions, but you can bet, in the very near future, I will answer them anyway. Because I never let a question go unanswered if I can help it! I'm just that good! 
(©2010 RayleneDeschenes)

A Little Story For Your Grandchildren by Moi!

This was inspired by a Flair Button on Facebook I happened to download to my wall.
Posted on Facebook 061010rd

I want a Fairy Godmother. I want her to wave her wand around, or whack me with it, or what ever she has to do with it to make all my wishes come true. It doesn't have to be Fairy Godmother. Any Fairy will do as long as he/she has a wand to wave, or whack and ...grant wishes.

What was so special about Cinderella, anyway? Was she Royalty? I think not! The only reason she was missed in the Spring Skewering was because her evil stepmother had her locked up and out of reach. If it wasn't for that she would have been a Kabob, plain and simple!

And Prince Charming! I mean what's up with him? He was a mealy mouth guy who caved to pressure from his parents. A woos no less! Thinking with anything but the head on his shoulders, he went for the first thing that popped up (If you know what I mean). Go figure. 

So anyway......where was I? Oh yes! So GET WITH THE PROGRAM YOU WAND WIELDING FAIRIES! Before the only wish I'll have will be that Depends come in bulk!(©2010 RayleneDeschenes)

I Want A Relationship (Maybe) And This Is Who I'm Looking For

I just finished reading an article a friend on Facebook posted about unexpected ways to turn on men, or this particular man anyway.  I usually don't read these articles because I usually have no problem turning them on - it's KEEPING a good one that's the problem here.  Keeping a good one and fending off the bad ones.

I am perfectly single and wanted to stay like that forever more, but lately I'm not so sure.  I'm slowly starting to think having a significant other might be kind of nice.  With this in mind, I started thinking what do I want in a man?  These are the nine things that sprung to mind right off the bat:

  1. Happy eyes are the most important thing to me and a HUGE turn on!  I absolutely LOVE eyes      with a little glimmer in them.  They look at you and you can read that they have
     something else in mind, or a little something else going on and they KNOW you are going
     to love it!  Hard to explain, but if you have those eyes you know exactly what I mean!

  2. A sense of humor is the second most important thing to me.  You have to get me, not
      be  offended by me (unless I mean for you to be ), and see me and "All That Is Moi!" as a
      talent and a gift, and something to be enjoyed and loved - not just "quirky".  Quirky is for
      my blond moments, which I have at will - most times.  If you're getting one of my
      blond moments, it's because you have asked for it, and in either a good way or bad way,
      deserve it.

  3. You have to want to be with me and think I am the greatest thing since bread.  But not fawn
     all over me and tell me how I am the greatest thing since bread.  For  if you do that I will
     walk all over you, run you over with my car, back up and run over you again.  At the same
     time, I want to feel you are fascinated with me and respect me for the Royalty I am - whether
     it be for real or in my own little head.

  4. You have to be able to deal with my randomness, my multiple personality's (It's all true
     what they say about Geminis!), and that I try to find the humor in something when
     I'm stressed - It's the only way I know how to deal with stress - finding the funny. 

  5. I want to know if you want the same things I do and I don't want to play games - you
     will loose every time because I am just that good.

  6. I don't want to feel I'm being pressured  into anything.  But at the same time, I want to
     be whisked up and off into the sunset - A LOT!

  7. I'm not going to make the first move and I'll probably not call you - at least not for a
     while, anyway - and you have to be OK with that, make the first move and call me - A LOT!

  8. I want you to take my hand,  I want you to put your arm around me, and I want you to
     give me a kiss - a small one to start out with because the thought of a relationship scares
     the living hell out of me and I might run before I even know I'm running................It's just
     how I roll!  LOL!

  9. If you have the above quality's you will be looking like Johnny Depp to me and what you
     look like to me is all that counts. 

So, if this is you - God help you, and leave me a comment.  For the rest of you - you are missing out on the best thing since bread - BUMMER, DUDES!

Either way - You gotta love me!!!
(©2010 RayleneDeschenes)

My Kids Are Killing Me!

Hi!
I know!  It's been a while, huh? 
My teenagers were stressing me out to the point I had soooooooooooo much to say, but
not a clue how to say it.  They're like that.  Teenagers:  YOU can't live with them and THEY can't live without you.  This is something they know, but will deny venomously!  It must have something to do with their brains not being fully developed until they're around 25 yrs old.............................

OMG!  It just hit me.  I HAVE 8 MORE YEARS OF AMUCK RUNNING HORMONES AND LIMITED BRAIN FUNCTIONING ACTIONS OF MY CHILDREN?!?    8 MORE YEARS???!!!!????

I will not last 8 more years!  They will kill me and feed me to those "Happy Assed Chirpy Birds" as an appetizer!  Please, say it isn't so! 

I know.  I'm in denial.  I like denial.  I don't know who decided "denial" was a bad place to be, it's MY favorite place to be second only to "The Kingdom Of All That Is Moi!"  (my happy place). Denial works for me!  So, go ahead - tell me it will all be peachy in the morning.  Just say, "Raylene, It-will-all-be-peachy......."  It's easy, you can do it...............I KNOW you didn't just refuse to tell me that!  Well, could you say "MAYBE it will all be peachy in the morning"?.......Or say that there's a 50/50 chance that it will be peachy in the morning? .............40/60chance? ..........30/70? ............10/90?   ............a nano bite of a chance, perhaps?

LIE TO ME, DAMN IT!  LIE TO ME!

.............................I'm doomed.........................................

(©2010 RayleneDeschenes)

A Quick Thought On Imagination, Or Lack Thereof....

Without imagination we wouldn't be were we are today. Yet, imaginative people are looked at as immature, or a little odd, and the connotations that are attached to the word "artsy" are anything but complimentary. All through childhood, you are accused of daydreaming like it's a bad thing. Time and time again, fantasy and imagination is push further and further to the side until it is no more. I have learned, creativity is a gift that very few people have been given. I think it is a conspiracy amongst the populace, born of jealousy and envy, to squish that which they will never possess - the infinite world in which we (being the creative) live.
(©2010 RayleneDeschenes)