MY MOTHER HAS A RETIREMENT PLAN FOR ME

 

Previously posted on Facebook August 7, 2016, ·

So, mom and I were having a celebratory Martini and discussing whether shellfish can or cannot be devoured when pregnant and came to the conclusion that there could or could not be enough mercury in it to either make the answer a yeh, or a neh. Either way, the chances of either one of us getting pregnant are pretty slim - even if mom is still sneaking men in through her bedroom window when I'm not looking and having her way with them, which she assures me she's not...Hey, never underestimate the sexual prowess of an 83 year old! 

Mom: "I tell the kids you're always feeding me tuna fish".

Me: "I don't always feed you tuna fish. I only give you tuna when you ask for it and that's not that often. Thank God. That stuff is disgusting."

Me: "And that's just great, mom. When they do the autopsy and find one minute nano-gram more mercury in your system than you're supposed to have, the kids will tell the police I fed you tuna nonstop trying to poison you with mercury and I'll go to the "big house" and die in an orange jumpsuit - killed by someone named "Babs"......You know how I feel about orange."

Mom: "Orange isn't that bad...I wear it. And that's the point."

Me: "What's the point?"

Mom: "The way I see it when I die you'll have nowhere to go and the kids won't take care of you. This way you'll have a roof over your head and food to eat. Stay away from "Babs" and you'll be fine. The orange jumpsuits will grow on you and they even bury you!"

Mom: "Now you have a retirement plan. We can toast to that next..."

13

SCHOOL ZONES

There are two school zones within a few blocks of each other on a street I drive almost every day. They are both elementary schools - one Christian school with a 25 mph speed limit and the other is a private school with a 15 mph speed limit.

My son:  "Mom, you're going too slow. Speed up or you'll get a ticket."
Me:  "This is a school zone and I'm going the required speed limit"
Son:  "No, you're going too slow. You where going faster in the last school zone."
Me:   "That was a Christian elementary school and the limit was 25 mph. This is a Private school and and the speed limit is 15 mph."
Son:  "Why would they do that? Give them different speed limits if they're both elementary schools?"
Me (not being privy to how they set school zones):  "The private school kids aren't as fast as the christian school kids so they have a slower speed limit.
Then me (because I just couldn't resist - and I tried,  God help me, I tried!)  "The Catholic schools don't have a speed limit at all because those kids are really fast.   Those kids are super heroes."

My son just stared at me for what seemed like the longest time, then said:  "Don't talk to me.  Don't talk to me, mom, for the rest of the ride." He then put earphones in, cranked up the tunes he had stored on his phone and that was it until we got to our destination.

Well, I thought it was as good an excuse as any and I only have a couple of years left before their brains are fully developed and I won't be able to mess with their heads anymore. This is my one joy in life - right up there with wine and The Sims 2!
(©2015 RayleneDeschenes)

ISSUES

 

Posted May 5, 2014 on Facebook

I'm having issues.  Personal issues, computer issues, browser issues, boredom issues, creativity issues, money issues, and just plain issues in general.  I REALLY hate issues.  They're unhealthy.

There is no doubt in my mind that I will overcome these issues and prevail because I always do - not necessarily because I have faced them head-on and conquer them - that's hard.  I will readjust my priorities to not include any of the above subjects therefore completely destroying their ability to create stress in my "life" forever more.  What a plan!

......Except for my browser and computer issues.  All of my friends live in my computer. I will have to fix those issues head-on.  If I don't address the money issue I will have nowhere to plug in my computer trapping my friends and that just won't do.  So, I will have to face the computer, browser, and money issue head on - but that's it!

Well, except for the boredom and creativity issues.  I do really dumb things when I'm bored. We can't have that!  A look at the last 27 years of my "life" will explain everything - HOLY CRAP SHOOT! We really can 't have that.  I will face the computer, browser, money, boredom and creativity issues because I just can't re-prioritize them without there being casualties, but not another issue will I be willing to face head-on!  No sirree!  Not one more!

.....Then again, who would I be if I De-prioritized personal issues?  Issues all about me!  My most favorite subject!  I just wouldn't be me and that would truly suck!  <Shedding a tear just thinking about it - Give me a moment, please.....sniffle...>

So, after all that I'm back at square one, making this entire post pointless.....I still have issues and you just spent minutes of time you will never get back reading this....HOLY HELL!   You must have just as many issues as I do or you would be spending this time doing something other than reading about my issues!   Thank God I'm not alone.  I have to tell you, I really hate being miserable alone.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone I like.   But if you're miserable in general, you've come to the right place.    I feel so much better knowing there are others out there in the same boat that I'm almost giddy!

Thank you for that.  You are a real friend.......But, Dude, I gotta tell you - We have to get a life......... 
(©2014 RayleneDeschenes)

IT HELPS TO PUSH THE START BUTTON

This afternoon I sat down at the computer, turned on my fan for the computer, looked at the monitor and waited. And waited And waited.

I then gave the mouse a little shake, looked at the computer, looked back at the monitor and waited. And waited. And waited. And waited.

I then gave the mouse another little shake, banged it on the mouse pad, shook it furiously, stopped, looked back at the computer and said out loud (with emphasis on the "loud" part) to nobody but myself, "OH shit! You have to press the little button to turn on the computer before you'll see a picture on the screen, Raylene. Get with the program, Dudette!"

I then looked around to see if anybody witnessed this when I heard, from all the way down the hall, "Is this the second, or third time this week you did the same damn thing?"

Thanks for pointing that out for me, mom.

I then cursed my brother for dying in the nick of time leaving me to take care of her, and Catholic School for making me feel guilty about even thinking of not taking care of her.

With that out of the way, I then thanked God for giving me a mom who, though we clash constantly, took very good care of me and is still taking care of me, because who knows where I would be without her.

I'm sure I would be less stressed though, but what fun would driving be if I didn't have to look forward to our drives and her grabbing the dash with a death like grip every time I came to a stop or had to turn a corner?

I can tell you my life would just not be complete.....
(©2013 RayleneDeschenes)