I just finished reading an article stating Earthlings are not ready for Alien encounters and I beg to differ.
I have been waiting (for a number of years now) to be beamed up and nothing! Not a tingle, not an inkling, not even an occasional hair standing up on the back of my neck when even thinking about being beamed up! To say I'm disappointed would be an understatement. Would it hurt them to at least send a “Thank You, But No Thank You” letter:
Dear Raylene,
We appreciate your selfless interest in being beamed up, but after running a background check, credit report, and hacking into the NSA files under your name, we have come to the conclusion you would not be an acceptable beamee — not now, not ever — in this lifetime, or your next lifetime, and probably not the one after that one either.
Live long and prosper,
The Federation Of Extraterrestrials
Beaming Up Earthlings For Fun, Profit,
and Just 'Cuz We Can
Sunday, August 25, 2019
Saturday, August 24, 2019
THE ZIT
I have a zit on the very tip of my nose.
My perfectly formed, lily-white nose has a big RED bulbous zit on the very tip of it — right smack dab in the middle of the tip of my nose!
Every time I pass a mirror it gets bigger................and bigger.................and BIGGER! The zit — NOT my nose!
The last time I passed the bathroom, I looked..... and (I swear to God!) it (the zit) winked at me! Of course, I wasn't wearing my glasses, but I'm telling you, it winked at me........ And it did it with a smirk!
So, of course, me being me, I wasn't having it. I did what any zit inflicted person would do...................................................................... I squeezed it. I took the very tip of my nose between two fingers and I squeezed the living hell out of it.......yes! I showed that zit who was boss and that zit laughed its ass off right back at me!
The zit is now more of a giant round red bump on the end of my nose, engulfing my nose like it owned it and daring me to do anything about it, then calling me “bitch” just because it can. Seriously!
I have been dominated, overthrown, stepped on and put out to pasture by a zit........ I'm so ashamed.....
Wait! I have pointy tweezers! All is not lost! Your Queen may have been beaten, but I'm still in the game! I will conquer said zit with my pointy tweezers! I will gather my 5X magnifying lens, my glasses, my LED light and my pointy tweezers and I will annihilate that zit and any other offending pores while I'm at it! That zit will be at my mercy! I will make it cry “Uncle”, then kill it anyway, and I will take great joy in doing so, both for revenge and because I can! You're going down, zit — and with a vengeance!
I'll let you know how that goes.....
My perfectly formed, lily-white nose has a big RED bulbous zit on the very tip of it — right smack dab in the middle of the tip of my nose!
Every time I pass a mirror it gets bigger................and bigger.................and BIGGER! The zit — NOT my nose!
The last time I passed the bathroom, I looked..... and (I swear to God!) it (the zit) winked at me! Of course, I wasn't wearing my glasses, but I'm telling you, it winked at me........ And it did it with a smirk!
So, of course, me being me, I wasn't having it. I did what any zit inflicted person would do...................................................................... I squeezed it. I took the very tip of my nose between two fingers and I squeezed the living hell out of it.......yes! I showed that zit who was boss and that zit laughed its ass off right back at me!
The zit is now more of a giant round red bump on the end of my nose, engulfing my nose like it owned it and daring me to do anything about it, then calling me “bitch” just because it can. Seriously!
I have been dominated, overthrown, stepped on and put out to pasture by a zit........ I'm so ashamed.....
Wait! I have pointy tweezers! All is not lost! Your Queen may have been beaten, but I'm still in the game! I will conquer said zit with my pointy tweezers! I will gather my 5X magnifying lens, my glasses, my LED light and my pointy tweezers and I will annihilate that zit and any other offending pores while I'm at it! That zit will be at my mercy! I will make it cry “Uncle”, then kill it anyway, and I will take great joy in doing so, both for revenge and because I can! You're going down, zit — and with a vengeance!
I'll let you know how that goes.....
MY MICROWAVE BIT THE DUST!
Woe is me!
A great tragedy has befallen The Kingdom Of All That Is Moi! One unlike any The Kingdom has ever experienced before!
It happened day before yesterday, but I was unable to bring myself to talk about it until now....
Thursday evening, feeling overworked and unappreciated, my microwave committed suicide! It left its comatose corpse with a sticky note attached that read:
“Raylene,
You should have appreciated the easy-peasy life which I had given you a little more than you did. You took advantage of all my bells and whistles, my self-turning table, numerous quick set buttons, and high voltage to appease your hunger and loathing to cook. Yet, aside from a daily wipe-down, I don't think you knew who I was. Let's see how much you appreciate me now that I'm gone.
Ha, ha, ha!
Your Microwave,
Fluffy”.
(heavy sobbing, sniffle, sniffle!)
There are no words, people....... There are just no words......
A great tragedy has befallen The Kingdom Of All That Is Moi! One unlike any The Kingdom has ever experienced before!
It happened day before yesterday, but I was unable to bring myself to talk about it until now....
Thursday evening, feeling overworked and unappreciated, my microwave committed suicide! It left its comatose corpse with a sticky note attached that read:
“Raylene,
You should have appreciated the easy-peasy life which I had given you a little more than you did. You took advantage of all my bells and whistles, my self-turning table, numerous quick set buttons, and high voltage to appease your hunger and loathing to cook. Yet, aside from a daily wipe-down, I don't think you knew who I was. Let's see how much you appreciate me now that I'm gone.
Ha, ha, ha!
Your Microwave,
Fluffy”.
(heavy sobbing, sniffle, sniffle!)
There are no words, people....... There are just no words......
Tuesday, August 13, 2019
A Conversation With My Mom
My mom and I were talking about life in Butte, Montana (where both she, and I was born).
She mentioned her aunt's house that was up on a hill overlooking the town. At the bottom of the hill was a vacant lot the city would fill with water in the winter to make an ice skating rink. From the time my sister (Denise/Deny) and I could walk we could ice skate. We each had a little pair of white figure skates. If we weren't home, we'd be at the ice rink skating.
Mom: “You used to skate all the time and you were very good. I don't know what happened when we moved here, you sat down and never got up again...”
Me: “I got up to go to the bathroom, school and shopping. , then later on I got up to go to work. Making your statement void and without merit.”
Mom: “Your sister had a boyfriend.”
Me: “She had a few.”
Mom: “No. At the skating rink. She had a boyfriend at the skating rink. He would take her hand, and they would skate around the rink holding hands. He was much older than she was.”
Me: “How old was he? He couldn't have been much older because we weren't very old to begin with.”
Mom: ” He was five. He used to call my uncle every day to see if she would be at the rink that evening to skate. My uncle would tell him he didn't know any Denise and if he did he wouldn't let her talk to him because he was too old for her.”
Me: “That's funny. Poor kid! So, you let Denise have a boyfriend at two years old....she was always a hussy.”
Mom: “You didn't have a boyfriend. You were too bossy, nobody liked you.”
Me: “The whole “no boyfriend” thing is keeping with a theme, huh... We all know how I like a good theme. As for being bossy, that was my Royal DNA kicking in. Even at a young age I knew I would rule the world some day and was practicing. There is a need for leaders, even the toddlers at the skating rink — I was just filling the bill.”
Mom: “Now you don't have a boyfriend and nobody likes you because you're delusional.”
Me: “I can live with that.”
Mom: “Well I can't, so snap out of it! How did I give birth to you? Sometimes I just look at you and wonder...”
Me laughing: “Neil (my brother) and Denise used to wonder the same thing, remember? Too funny!”
I turned to look at her, and she was looking at me with “that” look and I finally knew what she was thinking...” You know, mom, Superman was beamed down from another planet into a field where his earth parents found him, took him home and raised him.... You don't have flashbacks of a field somewhere do you?”
Mom: “Just go, Raylene...”
Me: “How about a burning bush and a cute guy with nice hair and wings?”
Mom: “Not funny, Raylene. Now go!”
I'm thinking she wouldn't want to read my own rewritten version of Genesis where God creates the world, and then He creates me... I'm thinking I can lay that on her on a Two Martini Sunday, not a No Martini Tuesday.....
(©2016 Raylene Deschenes)
She mentioned her aunt's house that was up on a hill overlooking the town. At the bottom of the hill was a vacant lot the city would fill with water in the winter to make an ice skating rink. From the time my sister (Denise/Deny) and I could walk we could ice skate. We each had a little pair of white figure skates. If we weren't home, we'd be at the ice rink skating.
Mom: “You used to skate all the time and you were very good. I don't know what happened when we moved here, you sat down and never got up again...”
Me: “I got up to go to the bathroom, school and shopping. , then later on I got up to go to work. Making your statement void and without merit.”
Mom: “Your sister had a boyfriend.”
Me: “She had a few.”
Mom: “No. At the skating rink. She had a boyfriend at the skating rink. He would take her hand, and they would skate around the rink holding hands. He was much older than she was.”
Me: “How old was he? He couldn't have been much older because we weren't very old to begin with.”
Mom: ” He was five. He used to call my uncle every day to see if she would be at the rink that evening to skate. My uncle would tell him he didn't know any Denise and if he did he wouldn't let her talk to him because he was too old for her.”
Me: “That's funny. Poor kid! So, you let Denise have a boyfriend at two years old....she was always a hussy.”
Mom: “You didn't have a boyfriend. You were too bossy, nobody liked you.”
Me: “The whole “no boyfriend” thing is keeping with a theme, huh... We all know how I like a good theme. As for being bossy, that was my Royal DNA kicking in. Even at a young age I knew I would rule the world some day and was practicing. There is a need for leaders, even the toddlers at the skating rink — I was just filling the bill.”
Mom: “Now you don't have a boyfriend and nobody likes you because you're delusional.”
Me: “I can live with that.”
Mom: “Well I can't, so snap out of it! How did I give birth to you? Sometimes I just look at you and wonder...”
Me laughing: “Neil (my brother) and Denise used to wonder the same thing, remember? Too funny!”
I turned to look at her, and she was looking at me with “that” look and I finally knew what she was thinking...” You know, mom, Superman was beamed down from another planet into a field where his earth parents found him, took him home and raised him.... You don't have flashbacks of a field somewhere do you?”
Mom: “Just go, Raylene...”
Me: “How about a burning bush and a cute guy with nice hair and wings?”
Mom: “Not funny, Raylene. Now go!”
I'm thinking she wouldn't want to read my own rewritten version of Genesis where God creates the world, and then He creates me... I'm thinking I can lay that on her on a Two Martini Sunday, not a No Martini Tuesday.....
(©2016 Raylene Deschenes)
I Had A Dream
I had a dream.
In that dream, God said, “Raylene, I have given you a gift. The gift I have given you is meant to be shared. So, go now and share your gift with the masses, and Kingdom of Heaven will be yours”.
So I went and shared my gift far and wide. Three teens and a colorful reputation later, I had another dream. In that dream God said, “Raylene, that's not the gift I was talking about”.....NOW He tells me!
I could have been stingy and kept my gift to my self, But no, “Thy will be done” popped into my head and it was on!
(©2010 Raylene Deschenes)
In that dream, God said, “Raylene, I have given you a gift. The gift I have given you is meant to be shared. So, go now and share your gift with the masses, and Kingdom of Heaven will be yours”.
So I went and shared my gift far and wide. Three teens and a colorful reputation later, I had another dream. In that dream God said, “Raylene, that's not the gift I was talking about”.....NOW He tells me!
I could have been stingy and kept my gift to my self, But no, “Thy will be done” popped into my head and it was on!
(©2010 Raylene Deschenes)
FOOD FOR THOUGHT by Moi!
I tend to take people at face value and it bites me in the butt most of the time. What is wrong with being who you are and being honest about what you want, where you're going and how you plan on getting there (figuratively speaking)?
I understand everyone of us has our “me” times. We have to be selfish at times to pull ourselves out of the muck we find ourselves drowning in just living day to day. It's when we get wrapped up in the “me” mode for weeks, or months at a time that the problem lies.
Most of us were raised to think being selfish is a bad thing, and because of that, we don't want to see it in ourselves let alone admit to it when we finally do. So we put on our “All Caring, Look what A Great Guy/Gal I Am” persona and go out into the world — smiling at the people around us, pretending to listen to them, but not really hearing them because “I” have more important things to do, or places to be. When in “me” mode, we become walking zombies, stomping the people who truly care about us into the ground.
There is nothing wrong with being selfish from time to time, as long as you don't make it a career path. We need to be selfish sometimes for our own mental sanity. We have all been there.
(©2019 Raylene Deschenes)
I understand everyone of us has our “me” times. We have to be selfish at times to pull ourselves out of the muck we find ourselves drowning in just living day to day. It's when we get wrapped up in the “me” mode for weeks, or months at a time that the problem lies.
Most of us were raised to think being selfish is a bad thing, and because of that, we don't want to see it in ourselves let alone admit to it when we finally do. So we put on our “All Caring, Look what A Great Guy/Gal I Am” persona and go out into the world — smiling at the people around us, pretending to listen to them, but not really hearing them because “I” have more important things to do, or places to be. When in “me” mode, we become walking zombies, stomping the people who truly care about us into the ground.
There is nothing wrong with being selfish from time to time, as long as you don't make it a career path. We need to be selfish sometimes for our own mental sanity. We have all been there.
(©2019 Raylene Deschenes)
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