I'm eating animal crackers right now. :)
I ALWAYS bite the heads off first. If I don't, I imagine them begging for their lives, and at the very last minute, screaming for their mommy. It's very disconcerting.
I start feeling guilty and get an overwhelming desire to go to confession, but once there what would I say? "Bless me Father for...........I have nibbled(?). I bit my animal cookie's behind, then ate it's head when it screamed for it's mommy." ? I don't want a priest to think I have issues. My mother would be appalled if anyone thought her daughter had issues, let alone a Priest. What
if he refuses to offer me absolution? Would I get pissed and eat the
heads off the remaining crackers, putting the bodies
back in the box to eat later? Maybe, but that would be inhumane. I'd go to
hell for sure then and even though that's where the fun people are, I've already had my fair share of fun and wouldn't mind a rest.
Then there are the neighbors. What if the guy waiting in line behind me heard my confession and told his friend, who told a friend, who told a friend who happened to be a neighbor. My mom's favorite line while we were growing up was, "What would the neighbors think?!?" I'm sure the neighbors have nothing else to do than talk about us.
Holy crap, what WOULD the neighbors think if they found out how I ate animal crackers? Would we be shunned by Neighborhood Watch? Expelled by the homeowners association? Chastised by the block party committee members? My mother would be applaud and we wouldn't want that!
Now that I think about it, I don't really like animal crackers all that much anyway and there's a perfectly good Chip Ahoy in the freezer calling my name.....
Who knew there was this much drama in the way you eat an animal cracker? I'm forced to ask myself if it's worth it.......
NOTE TO SELF:
Find out if they have animal crackers in hell, and if that truly is where all the fun people go - just in case.........
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