THE EPIPHANY

Two days ago I had an experience I have not been able to speak of until today.  It was an experience I won't soon forget, and one I'm sure I won't experience again anytime soon.  The only way I can describe what happened would be.........well..........It was an epiphany of sorts.  Yes, that was it - I had an epiphany!

I was taking Frankie (my son) to work that day.  It was hot, it was humid, we got a late start and were really pushing it time wise, so we decided this time we'd take the Freeway.  No sooner did we get to the I 95 exit, right past the point of no return did we realize we were in Hell and the only thing we could do is go with it.  This was the start of Happy Hour on the freeway and we were stuck right dab in the middle of it.  Oh joy of joys. 

We sauntered along at a snails pace.  Going.  Stopping.  Going. Slowing, going, stopping.  Gunning it only to stop on a dime to keep some dumb-ass I had noticed earlier and who didn't have a clue what the hell she was doing from cutting in front of us. My air conditioner was on. It was blowing warm to almost hot air at us, but it was a breeze and the hot air it was blowing was not as hot as the air outside, so we left it on, then flipped off the dumb-ass from earlier who managed to cut in front of us after all, and miserably pushed forward, hoping to get to our destination before we died of old age or heat stroke - which ever happened first.

While I was busy swearing at dumb-ass drivers, Frankie managed to remain focused on our goal and started yelling at me to move over the next three lanes NOW or we will miss our turnoff.  I go into Offense Mode, gunning the car and cutting off anybody I had to to get over into the far lane and off onto our exit.

The car jerked then jerked again.  I gunned it, it kinda sorta kicked into gear, did some weird thing and stuttered up the hill, barely making it into the turn lane.  While the car was doing it's damnedest to follow my commands, I look at the dash and notice a light that wasn't on a few minutes before.  I look at Frankie and say, "Well, that light wasn't on a minute ago.  I don't know what it means.  Little squiggly lines across with a strait line going down and a circle above it.  Hmmm.  Probably oil - well, I'll worry about that latter."

Frankie looks at it and immediately is turning off the air conditioner and opening the windows.  Just as we get into the turn lane the light turns yellow, then red.  Frankie yells at me to keep going and run the light, "Go, mom!  GO!"

But I didn't go.  I stopped.

"OMG, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Frankie yelled at me.   "I'm not running a red light!  I explained that to you before." I replied. "And turn the AC back on!"   "Mom, you're over heating!  We'll get stuck here in the turn lane now! If you ran the light we could of pulled over in that vacant lot and been off the street!"

I look at the temperature thingy and sure enough, It was way beyond the "H".  Holly crap!
"It usually steams before it overheats.  I didn't see any steam.  Maybe the thingy is broken."
" It didn't steam because there is NOTHING left in it to steam!"  Frankie said.   "Oh. That sucks." I replied deciding not to mention I was also out of gas.

The light turned green and I went.  I didn't pull over until I got to a business center parking lot. I pulled in and parked in a space. Frankie got out and walked the rest of the way to work - about a mile and a half, maybe two.

I'm sitting in the car wondering what the hell am I going to do in 110 degree heat while the engine cools off so I can put water in the radiator and be on my merry way.

And that's when it happened.  I looked up to see where I was.

It was just like it would have happened in a movie.  Time stood still.  The clouds opened up, and I swear to God I heard angels sing.  I was broke down in front of a Bar and Grill.  YES!  I had pulled up to a Bar and Grill.  I was stranded, for God knows how long, at a Bar and Grill!  "THANK YOU, BABY JESUS!  THANK YOU!  THANK YOU!  THANK YOU!"

I walked into the Bar and Grill,  explained my dilemma to the manager who let me barrow his phone (a whole other story), called AAA to bring me gas - no rush, then found the perfect spot at the bar and ordered a glass of wine secure in the knowledge that someone "up there" is looking out for me - Thank you, Daddy......

(©2015 RayleneDeschenes)

THE DRAMA IN EATING ANIMAL CRACKERS

I'm eating animal crackers right now. :)  

I ALWAYS bite the heads  off first.   If I don't, I imagine them begging for their lives, and at the very last minute, screaming for their mommy.   It's very disconcerting.   

I start feeling guilty and get an overwhelming desire to go to confession, but once there what would I say?  "Bless me Father for...........I have nibbled(?).   I bit my animal cookie's behind, then ate it's head when it screamed for it's mommy." ?   I don't want a priest to think I have issues.  My mother would be appalled if anyone thought her daughter had issues, let alone a Priest.  What if he refuses to offer me absolution?   Would I get pissed and eat the heads off the remaining crackers, putting the bodies back in the box to eat later?   Maybe, but that would be inhumane.   I'd go to hell for sure then and even though that's where the fun people are, I've already had my fair share of fun and  wouldn't mind a rest.

Then there are the neighbors.   What if the guy waiting in line behind me heard my confession and told his friend,  who told a friend, who told a friend who happened to be a neighbor.   My mom's favorite line while we were growing up was, "What would the neighbors think?!?"    I'm sure the neighbors have nothing else to do than talk about us.

Holy crap, what WOULD the neighbors think if they found out how I ate animal crackers?   Would we be shunned by Neighborhood Watch?   Expelled by the homeowners association?   Chastised by the block party committee members?   My mother would be applaud and we wouldn't want that!  

Now that I think about it,  I don't really like animal crackers all that much anyway and there's a perfectly good Chip Ahoy in the freezer calling my name.....

Who knew there was this much drama in the way you eat an animal cracker?   I'm forced to ask myself if it's worth it.......

NOTE TO SELF: 

Find out if they have animal crackers in hell, and if that truly  is where all the fun people go - just in case.........

(©2014 RayleneDeschenes)

ISSUES

 

Posted May 5, 2014 on Facebook

I'm having issues.  Personal issues, computer issues, browser issues, boredom issues, creativity issues, money issues, and just plain issues in general.  I REALLY hate issues.  They're unhealthy.

There is no doubt in my mind that I will overcome these issues and prevail because I always do - not necessarily because I have faced them head-on and conquer them - that's hard.  I will readjust my priorities to not include any of the above subjects therefore completely destroying their ability to create stress in my "life" forever more.  What a plan!

......Except for my browser and computer issues.  All of my friends live in my computer. I will have to fix those issues head-on.  If I don't address the money issue I will have nowhere to plug in my computer trapping my friends and that just won't do.  So, I will have to face the computer, browser, and money issue head on - but that's it!

Well, except for the boredom and creativity issues.  I do really dumb things when I'm bored. We can't have that!  A look at the last 27 years of my "life" will explain everything - HOLY CRAP SHOOT! We really can 't have that.  I will face the computer, browser, money, boredom and creativity issues because I just can't re-prioritize them without there being casualties, but not another issue will I be willing to face head-on!  No sirree!  Not one more!

.....Then again, who would I be if I De-prioritized personal issues?  Issues all about me!  My most favorite subject!  I just wouldn't be me and that would truly suck!  <Shedding a tear just thinking about it - Give me a moment, please.....sniffle...>

So, after all that I'm back at square one, making this entire post pointless.....I still have issues and you just spent minutes of time you will never get back reading this....HOLY HELL!   You must have just as many issues as I do or you would be spending this time doing something other than reading about my issues!   Thank God I'm not alone.  I have to tell you, I really hate being miserable alone.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone I like.   But if you're miserable in general, you've come to the right place.    I feel so much better knowing there are others out there in the same boat that I'm almost giddy!

Thank you for that.  You are a real friend.......But, Dude, I gotta tell you - We have to get a life......... 
(©2014 RayleneDeschenes)

IT HELPS TO PUSH THE START BUTTON

This afternoon I sat down at the computer, turned on my fan for the computer, looked at the monitor and waited. And waited And waited.

I then gave the mouse a little shake, looked at the computer, looked back at the monitor and waited. And waited. And waited. And waited.

I then gave the mouse another little shake, banged it on the mouse pad, shook it furiously, stopped, looked back at the computer and said out loud (with emphasis on the "loud" part) to nobody but myself, "OH shit! You have to press the little button to turn on the computer before you'll see a picture on the screen, Raylene. Get with the program, Dudette!"

I then looked around to see if anybody witnessed this when I heard, from all the way down the hall, "Is this the second, or third time this week you did the same damn thing?"

Thanks for pointing that out for me, mom.

I then cursed my brother for dying in the nick of time leaving me to take care of her, and Catholic School for making me feel guilty about even thinking of not taking care of her.

With that out of the way, I then thanked God for giving me a mom who, though we clash constantly, took very good care of me and is still taking care of me, because who knows where I would be without her.

I'm sure I would be less stressed though, but what fun would driving be if I didn't have to look forward to our drives and her grabbing the dash with a death like grip every time I came to a stop or had to turn a corner?

I can tell you my life would just not be complete.....
(©2013 RayleneDeschenes)

Damn Mayan Apocalypse!

Cheech (my daughter's dog) and I have been sitting in the tub waiting for the apocalypse. We have six boxes of wine for cushioning and substance, my tablet to keep in contact with those on the "outside" and my cell phone which gets crappy reception in the tub, but since my ex is the only one who's called, crappy reception is a perk. So, here I am, Mayans -WHERE'S THE DAMN APOCALYPSE???!!!!!!!!

To say I'm rather disappointed in the Mayans is an understatement. I've been waiting for years for the big bang today and.....nothing. I WAS READY TO PUT MY HEAD BETWEEN MY LEGS AND KISS MY ASS GOODBYE IN ONE SPECTACULAR APOCALYPTIC FIREWORK THE LIKES OF WHICH HAVE NEVER BEFORE BEEN SEEN BY ANY HUMAN EYE........and nothing.

IT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU MAYANS THAT I'M UNEMPLOYED, BROKE, HAVING MAJOR ISSUES WITH TWO OUT OF THREE OF MY CHILDREN, LIVE WITH MY CRANKY, CONTROLLING, CRABBY "GRAB THE DASHBOARD" WHEN I'M DRIVING MOTHER, AND AM SLAPPED IN THE FACE WITH A "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?" MOMENT ALMOST EVERY DAY BECAUSE MY EX STOPS BY "TO SEE THE KIDS" (who are all in their 20's now), BUT YOU HAVE TO SALT THE WOUNDS BY NOT GIVING ME AN APOCALYPSE?!!!! NOT EVEN A TASTE? YOU CAN'T THROW ME A BONE? YOU DAMN MAYANS!

I know what happened. Mayan Joe Blow The Calendar Maker was tweaking big time and got as far as 2012 when his buzz wore off. It was then he noticed the pain in his wrist from carving all those rocks, decided it wasn't worth it, retired to Margarita ville and NOBODY else knew how to carve a rock so that was that and here WE sit thinking you all were an advanced civilization who aliens visited and gave a "heads up" to warn those who came later, that we're all going to bite the big one on the 21st of December, 2012.

I demand to know who started this rumor, what kind of drugs was THAT GUY on, and why isn't he sharing with those of us who are sitting in our tubs, disappointed bewildered as to what to do now and trying to remember were we put our wine glass because it's just plain tacky to guzzle from the box - not to mention messy as well.
(©2012 RayleneDeschenes) 

Why I Don't Eat Eggs

French Toast!  My all time FAVORITE breakfast and the all time fave breakfast of French Royals everywhere!

I can say this with complete confidence as I am the only French Royal that counts and this was my favorite breakfast. That was until I decided, not that long ago, that I'm not eating eggs anymore.  I started thinking, "Would I like to be forced to pop out babies right and left for production purposes, or any purpose for that matter?  No, I would not!", so why should chickens be forced to pop out eggs right and left?

Do you know there is an "egg popping quota"?  Do you know what they use to inspire chickens to meet their quota?  They use a giant, laminated, black and white, cardboard cut-out of Colonel Sanders (of KFC fame) with a wild, evil grin on his face on a tiny little body which they mount on wheels, with him wielding a humongous axe with a conversation bubble over his head that reads "Appetizer, appetizer, gonna have an APPETIZER!" .  Seeing something like that coming at me would certainly make me lay an egg or two as well!  Wouldn't you?

And where is PETA when all this is happening?  I'll tell you where they are - They're at Denny's enjoying a "Grand Slam" breakfast!  That's right!  By the time they finish their eggs, the terrorized chickens back at the farm are laying eggs at an incredible rate and Colonel Sanders goes back in the box having done his job for the day!

DISCLAIMER:  The egg producing inspiration scenario just mentioned is highly unsubstantiated and therefore probably not all that true.  I understand, in real life, they use a real axe with the blood of  low/non egg producing chickens dripping from it while playing the theme song from Jaws in the background!  (This too, is highly unsubstantiated and therefore probably not all that true either.).

Untrue or not, it makes for a good story!  LOL)                                                                                 (©2010 Raylene Deschenes)

What's Up With Watermelon?

Ever wonder what's up with watermelon? Well I have.

It's juicy. So what? All fruit is juicy. It's red. How much red water have YOU drank? It has a green rind. Water can have a green mold. That's 1 point that can be made in watermelon's favor. It has a solid consistency, where as water is a liquid. So I ask you: WHAT'S UP WITH WATERMELON and what kind of crack was the guy who named it on?!?

Better yet, why didn't Webster refuse to put "watermelon" in the dictionary because it didn't make sense? Was Webster on crack too? Where him and the guy who named watermelon in kahoots?  

These are questions I have gone over and over in my mind and I bet you have too! We may never know the answer to these questions, but you can bet, in the very near future, I will answer them anyway. Because I never let a question go unanswered if I can help it! I'm just that good! 
(©2010 RayleneDeschenes)

A Little Story For Your Grandchildren by Moi!

This was inspired by a Flair Button on Facebook I happened to download to my wall.
Posted on Facebook 061010rd

I want a Fairy Godmother. I want her to wave her wand around, or whack me with it, or what ever she has to do with it to make all my wishes come true. It doesn't have to be Fairy Godmother. Any Fairy will do as long as he/she has a wand to wave, or whack and ...grant wishes.

What was so special about Cinderella, anyway? Was she Royalty? I think not! The only reason she was missed in the Spring Skewering was because her evil stepmother had her locked up and out of reach. If it wasn't for that she would have been a Kabob, plain and simple!

And Prince Charming! I mean what's up with him? He was a mealy mouth guy who caved to pressure from his parents. A woos no less! Thinking with anything but the head on his shoulders, he went for the first thing that popped up (If you know what I mean). Go figure. 

So anyway......where was I? Oh yes! So GET WITH THE PROGRAM YOU WAND WIELDING FAIRIES! Before the only wish I'll have will be that Depends come in bulk!(©2010 RayleneDeschenes)

I Want A Relationship (Maybe) And This Is Who I'm Looking For

I just finished reading an article a friend on Facebook posted about unexpected ways to turn on men, or this particular man anyway.  I usually don't read these articles because I usually have no problem turning them on - it's KEEPING a good one that's the problem here.  Keeping a good one and fending off the bad ones.

I am perfectly single and wanted to stay like that forever more, but lately I'm not so sure.  I'm slowly starting to think having a significant other might be kind of nice.  With this in mind, I started thinking what do I want in a man?  These are the nine things that sprung to mind right off the bat:

  1. Happy eyes are the most important thing to me and a HUGE turn on!  I absolutely LOVE eyes      with a little glimmer in them.  They look at you and you can read that they have
     something else in mind, or a little something else going on and they KNOW you are going
     to love it!  Hard to explain, but if you have those eyes you know exactly what I mean!

  2. A sense of humor is the second most important thing to me.  You have to get me, not
      be  offended by me (unless I mean for you to be ), and see me and "All That Is Moi!" as a
      talent and a gift, and something to be enjoyed and loved - not just "quirky".  Quirky is for
      my blond moments, which I have at will - most times.  If you're getting one of my
      blond moments, it's because you have asked for it, and in either a good way or bad way,
      deserve it.

  3. You have to want to be with me and think I am the greatest thing since bread.  But not fawn
     all over me and tell me how I am the greatest thing since bread.  For  if you do that I will
     walk all over you, run you over with my car, back up and run over you again.  At the same
     time, I want to feel you are fascinated with me and respect me for the Royalty I am - whether
     it be for real or in my own little head.

  4. You have to be able to deal with my randomness, my multiple personality's (It's all true
     what they say about Geminis!), and that I try to find the humor in something when
     I'm stressed - It's the only way I know how to deal with stress - finding the funny. 

  5. I want to know if you want the same things I do and I don't want to play games - you
     will loose every time because I am just that good.

  6. I don't want to feel I'm being pressured  into anything.  But at the same time, I want to
     be whisked up and off into the sunset - A LOT!

  7. I'm not going to make the first move and I'll probably not call you - at least not for a
     while, anyway - and you have to be OK with that, make the first move and call me - A LOT!

  8. I want you to take my hand,  I want you to put your arm around me, and I want you to
     give me a kiss - a small one to start out with because the thought of a relationship scares
     the living hell out of me and I might run before I even know I'm running................It's just
     how I roll!  LOL!

  9. If you have the above quality's you will be looking like Johnny Depp to me and what you
     look like to me is all that counts. 

So, if this is you - God help you, and leave me a comment.  For the rest of you - you are missing out on the best thing since bread - BUMMER, DUDES!

Either way - You gotta love me!!!
(©2010 RayleneDeschenes)

My Kids Are Killing Me!

Hi!
I know!  It's been a while, huh? 
My teenagers were stressing me out to the point I had soooooooooooo much to say, but
not a clue how to say it.  They're like that.  Teenagers:  YOU can't live with them and THEY can't live without you.  This is something they know, but will deny venomously!  It must have something to do with their brains not being fully developed until they're around 25 yrs old.............................

OMG!  It just hit me.  I HAVE 8 MORE YEARS OF AMUCK RUNNING HORMONES AND LIMITED BRAIN FUNCTIONING ACTIONS OF MY CHILDREN?!?    8 MORE YEARS???!!!!????

I will not last 8 more years!  They will kill me and feed me to those "Happy Assed Chirpy Birds" as an appetizer!  Please, say it isn't so! 

I know.  I'm in denial.  I like denial.  I don't know who decided "denial" was a bad place to be, it's MY favorite place to be second only to "The Kingdom Of All That Is Moi!"  (my happy place). Denial works for me!  So, go ahead - tell me it will all be peachy in the morning.  Just say, "Raylene, It-will-all-be-peachy......."  It's easy, you can do it...............I KNOW you didn't just refuse to tell me that!  Well, could you say "MAYBE it will all be peachy in the morning"?.......Or say that there's a 50/50 chance that it will be peachy in the morning? .............40/60chance? ..........30/70? ............10/90?   ............a nano bite of a chance, perhaps?

LIE TO ME, DAMN IT!  LIE TO ME!

.............................I'm doomed.........................................

(©2010 RayleneDeschenes)

A Quick Thought On Imagination, Or Lack Thereof....

Without imagination we wouldn't be were we are today. Yet, imaginative people are looked at as immature, or a little odd, and the connotations that are attached to the word "artsy" are anything but complimentary. All through childhood, you are accused of daydreaming like it's a bad thing. Time and time again, fantasy and imagination is push further and further to the side until it is no more. I have learned, creativity is a gift that very few people have been given. I think it is a conspiracy amongst the populace, born of jealousy and envy, to squish that which they will never possess - the infinite world in which we (being the creative) live.
(©2010 RayleneDeschenes)

The Definition of Raylene

There was a chain post going around Facebook that asked you to go to Urban Dictionary.com, enter your name and post the definition given in comments under the chain post. 

I usually don't get envolved with these things because I've never considered myself one of the sheep and I think it's silly.  With that being said, I was curious.   


A few people apparently, had a not so good encounter with a Raylene and was less than steller in their review of her. I googled me and found there is a porn star who happens to be named Raylene. Doesn't that just figure?! What it did say was something I refuse to repeat and have therefore decided write what it is that they MEANT to say had they not had their head up their asses at the time. LOL! :)
Please enjoy!

Raylene: 
* Someone who wants it all and will never again settle for less.
* Multiple personalities she turns on and off in an instant. Gives new meaning to the word "Multidimensional".
* If you had to describe her in one word, you couldn't - she IS that hot!
* Sister Theresa's little sister, but the family won't confirm that.  They just say "one day she's in, and the next day.........she's out."
* She rolls smooth.
* You cant touch that!
(©2010 RayleneDeschenes)

The Sell

"Hello! May I speak to Mary Francis, please?"

"This is Mary Francis."

"Mary Francis at 232 N. 38th Street?"

"Yes?"

"CONGRATULATIONS, Mary Francis! This is J. Blo, at KWHY Radio, and you have won the Grand Prize in our Jackpot Drawing!"

"I WON?" "ME?  Oh my God, I won!"   "I WON!"

"Grand Prize?" "I won Grand Prize?" "What? What did I win?"

"You, Mary Francis, have won a ONE YEAR SUBSCRIPTION TO THE CONDOM OF THE MONTH CLUB! Each month you will receive a case of their most popular designs, a different design each month for twelve months!"   "CONGRATULATIONS, MARY FRANCIS!"

"But....but....what am I going to do with them? I don't need condoms.."

"Mary Francis, of course you need condoms! EVERYBODY needs condoms, Mary Francis!" "Are you married, Mary Francis?"

"Well, yes I am, but..."

"Then this is PERFECT for you! I mean how many of us truly know where our husbands or wives have been every waking minute of every day, Mary Francis? Why, none of us do, Mary Francis, and that's why this prize is the prize for YOU! Now, I just need a little more..."

"But you don't understand."

"Oh, yes I do, Mary Francis! Yes, I do! You are in denial, Mary Francis! You need protection, Mary Francis, and we at KWHY Radio and the Condom Of The Month Club are here for you! You'll be glad you have these when you finally come to see him for the slime ball he is! Now, I just need a little more info, Mary Francis and you'll be able to start enjoying your prize in 7 to 10 days from today! Just think, Mary Francis, you will no longer need to worry about where he's been or with who! You will be able to 'have at it', Mary Francis, with who ever you want, when ever you want, with out having to stop and make a mad dash to the corner store because you were unprepared! A years worth of dissese free encounters are waiting for you just around the corner, Mary Francis! Now, I need your..."

"STOP! My name is SISTER Mary Francis! I am MARRIED to the CHURCH, and I won't be needing any condoms, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!"

"Oh, Sister! I am so sorry!" "Maybe you could give them to the Bishop. He may know a priest of questionable..."


CLICK!
(©2010 RayleneDeschenes)

Stupid People And Why We Need Them! (Inspired by my friend Bren, who takes no prisoners!)

I spent a good part of today traveling across town, dealing with Stupid People who weren't quite dumb enough to fail their driving test, but were dumb enough to be driving like idiots on the same street I was driving on. Not only that, but I hit an endless mirage of school zones, where the previously mentioned idiots were picking up their offspring. These kids were having trouble putting one foot in front of the other and the only reason for that, is either all the texting they were busy doing, or that they are idiots themselves. I'm going with probability that Idiots beget Idiots


Therefore, it came as no surprise, when a friend mentioned recently,that she would like to see Stupid People spayed and neutered. What a wonderful idea! When it was proposed to me, I was ready to follow her into the battle - To weed out dumb-nuts where ever they be! To strengthen our species and create a more intelligent human being to drive the streets of tomorrow into an idiot-free future for all!

As I poured a glass of wine and contemplated the ensuing battle, I realized Stupid People do serve a purpose here on earth. After my second glass of wine, I came up with a list of ten reasons Stupid People exist have decided to share those reason with you. I hope, the next time you have to interact with an idiot, you will think of this list and find it in your heart to suppress the burning desire to strangle, spay or neuter them and instead, turn to them and give one a hug - you'll be glad you did!


Why Stupid People Exist:

1. Stupid people are entertaining to watch and delightful to listen to.

2. Stupid people serve as a warning to smarter people looking to go dumb.

3. Stupid people make those of average intelligence look some what brighter than a dim bulb

4. Stupid people make good pets.

5. Stupid people are the reason 300,000 people nationwide have jobs (to stamp out stupid! DUH!)

6. Stupid people vote into office other stupid people offering change and hope, thereby creating another 300,000 jobs nationwide to clean up their mess (The bureaucratic paperwork alone, will require a good 300,000 more office employees to handle it). Sorry, I HAD to go there! LOL!

7. This being said, Stupid people could be the answer to the recession.

8. Stupid people give stupider people a sense of superiority and complacency.

9. Stupid people will go where no man has gone before and live to tell about it. Where as a smart person would know better than to go there, loose confidence from being in a knowingly dumb situation, and do something stupid to get out of said situation, thereby causing their demise.

10. Stupid people have all the luck.

Be that as it may, I would like to contribute my two cents to the sterilization of Stupid People as a few Stupid People go a long way, or at least to revoking their drivers licences! LOL!

(©2010 RayleneDeschenes)

ON A SIDE NOTE: 
There is no such thing as a stupid question. It's the idiot asking the question that's the problem. (RayleneDeschenes 2009)

WOMEN RULE THE WORLD!

There was an email that was being sent to women on Facebook recently that read:

 "Some fun is going on.... just write the color of your bra in your status, nothing else.

Send this on to ONLY girls no men .... It will be neat to see if this will Spread the Wings of Cancer Awareness. It will be fun to see how long it takes before the men will wonder why all the girls have a colour in their status... Haha!"

Well, men found out.  Go figure.

After receiving numerous emails about the short period of time it took men to find out what the one word posts were about, who might have tipped them off (the wife), and why said person would do such a thing (the whole husband/wife camradery issue), I felt the need to respond:


LISTEN UP LADIES!

You all know, we rule the world in every way, shape and form. We let men think they do because it's good for testosterone levels and good testosterone levels mean nice, hunky, meaty guys that make us swoon. Swooning is a good thing! Look what it did for Scarlet O'hara in Gone With The Wind. Testosterone gives them the ability to hunt down dinner, and although we can hunt our own dinner AND fry it up in a pan, it's hard on our nails and we all know how much a good manicure costs these days!

Thanks to us, men are getting smarter. They are on to us. They are using their heads (the one on their neck) in more productive ways, getting intouch with their emotions, and have filled the internet with 'how to' sites on manipulating women into thinking we need them.

Why is this happening?  Because, now that we have the ability to harvest sperm, we don't need them anymore.  There is nothing a man can do that we can't do for ourselves.  Their whole reason for being is now gone.  They know their survival as a species will depend on them ruling the world, and they are going to great measures to make that happen.

Think about it.  There are more 'cougars' (the Jackass of all terms) out there than ever before.  Why do you think that is?   The next generation of men are a little brighter than the last generation.   They watched their mothers and absorbed what was going on around them.  They know that we rule the word and have hooked on to "Old School" women to learn everything they can from her before she kicks the bucket,  so that they will be one step closer to ruling the word themselves.

We need to buck-up, Ladies!  We need to protect our sisterly secerets of World Domination!

This was a test, Ladies, from the powers that be, to see if we are strong enough to keep our grip on this world, and we failed miserably!

If one of us will betray the sisterhood on an issue of bra color and it's meaning, it's just a matter of time before someone will give up the secrets of womb dwelling and child birth!  With that information in their hands, men will take over the world, ladies, and there will be nothing we will be able to do about it!

DO YOU REALY WANT THAT?
(©2010 RayleneDeschenes)



DISCLAIMER:
This reply is not meant to offend anyone. It is for entertainment only. I have been deleted for less, hence the reason for the disclaimer. LOL!

Why Are Some People So Full Of It, And Why Do They Feel The Need To Share It With Others?

This is my first Deep Thought for the New Year.  I originally posted this on Facebook, Wednesday, the 7th of January, 2010.  For whatever reason, I felt the need to post this to my blog:


I am wondering why people are so full of it!  If they ate a little healthier and include a bran muffin in their diet, they wouldn't be full of so much of it, and I wouldn't be wading in it up to my eyebrows! With a little fiber, it wouldn't be spewing forth from their mouth for lack of available space in the proper body cavity.   Thus saving them from having to insert their head up there ass to shut themselves up.
I'm just saying............

What this is, is more of a "WAKE UP, RAYLENE" than anything else. I take people at face value. I trust them and am willing to give them the benefit of doubt. We all have our moments and we all make mistakes. I'm not gullible - far from it, I just feel people should be given a chance.


I think we are all too old to be playing games. From this point on, we should have found out who we are, have come to terms with who we are, and accept people for who they are and what a great asset their differences are to us in our life. It's time to have learned from past mistakes and move on. If something didn't work once, it's not ever going to - no matter how hard you try, no matter what it is. Nothing in life is easy, but how many times are you going to bang your head against the wall, because that's what you have always done and you are afraid to try something new.

We've been out of high school for a long time (Most of us), and I, for one, have no intention of going back (Hell, I never went when I was IN high school!  LOL!). We have earned the right to be adults, so let's quit the pubescent games, and start being honest with ourselves and others. There is nothing I'M going to regret when I go, how about you?


DISCLAIMER: This is not directed to anyone in particular. If you think it is a direct message to you, then it probably is and you should read it, reread it, then commit it to memmory.  ANY USE OF THE WORD "YOU" IS MEANT AS, "YOU, PER SAY" AND NOT ANYONE OF YOU INDIVIDUALLY!

PLEASE DO NOT SEND ME ANY INSPIRING MESSAGE ON BEING ALONE, OR LETTING PEOPLE IN OR 'GOD WILL PROVIDE' as that is not why I felt the need to post this, and am working on my own issues as we speak. I just really, really detest lying, in any shape or form, and an extreem lack of balls on people I had given credit to actually having some! I also hate being disappointed!
(©2010 RayleneDeschenes)

My Top Facebook Words!

I found an app that calculated the words I use most on my Facebook posts, found it rather interesting and thought you would too! 

LOL is my Top Word.  Why am I not suprised?   Wine is number 4, but Hate is number 5.   Hate is a powerful word and not at all in keeping with my happy-ass attitude I'm trying to maintain for my own mental sanity.  The word Crazy didn't even make the list and I use crazy alot, or maybe I'm just reading the word crazy in comments to my posts.  I'm old and confuse easly!  LOL!  I used Mom 12 times.  I have to stop talking about my mom, but she's a trip and very funny in her own right.  Our car trips are a sitcom waiting to happen!  So here they are in all their glory.    What are your Top Words?


1):lol - used 38 times

2):really - used 19 times

3):good - used 19 times

4):wine - used 18 times

5):hate - used 16 times

6):think - used 16 times

7):why - used 14 times

8):mom - used 12 times

9):computer - used 12 times

10):christmas - used 12 times
 
NOTE TO SELF:  Time to reread the Thesaurus - it's been a while, apparently!

The Twelve Days of Christmas by Moi!

Revised 26Dec09 because the after reading it for the upteenth time it bored me.  I like my shorter version so much better and you will too!


On the twelveth day or Christmas
my true love gave to me
twelve neon colored condoms
and one really big bra!

Eleven pairs of fishnets
Ten gossamer nighties
Nine satin G-Strings
Eight naughty negligees
Seven come hither corsettes
Six frilly garter belts
Five barely there thongs!

Four silky camisoles
Three lace teddies
Two pairs of Panties
One really big bra!
(©2009 RayleneDeschenes)

Love Lost

I wrote these next three poems, Here In Me, Alone At Last, and Love Lost quite a few years ago, but I really like them and thought you might too.  I think we can all relate.  Please enjoy!


Here In Me

Here in me
with eyes I see
the war of life
fought with strife
I wish to God
that I could see
a world of  love
I could be free.
(©2009 RayleneDeschenes)


Alone At Last

In my room
alone at last
seeing pictures
of the past
Remembering the good
forgetting the bad
all in all
it makes me sad
Losing the love
I sought to gain
having only me
to blame.
(©2009 RayleneDeschenes)


Love Lost

Love lost
that's what they say
Love lost
it's the price you pay

Broken promises
a part of me
Broken promises
they all can see

Shattered dreams
the pieces gone
Shattered dreams
and life goes on

Tears fall
I cry for you
Tears fall
I know we're through

Hurt heals
I'll say goodbye
Hurt heals
We lived a lie

Broken promises
your pictures burned
Broken promises
a lesson learned
(©2009 RayleneDeschenes)

25 Things Everyone Would Want To Know About Me, But Didn't Know They Wanted To Know Until They Knew It!

This was a request from a friend on facebook who had written 25 things about herself and shared with me.  I liked the idea, but didn't think I would ever be able to come up with 25 things about me. Well, once I got started, I couldn't stop.  That's a lie.  I could stop, but all day other things kept popping into my mind - We all know how scary that can be!  LOL!  So, here you are - 25 Things about me!

1. I talk to myself because sometimes that is the only way I am able to have any kind of an intelligent conversation with anyone here for the day.


2. I was afraid of kids until I had my own. I'm still not a big fan, but if they are polite and somewhat intelligent, I can hang.

3. All most everything I own was in storage. Last December, I gave up my storage, not because I couldn't pay for it, I could, but because I came to the realization it was just stuff. If I dropped dead tomorrow, who's going to care about any of it? It's just junk to everyone else. Except for my art, but I can draw and paint more. Memories are inside your head and your heart. They have nothing to do with things.

4. I have a safe with valuables in it and I can't remember the combination to open it. Silly me! So, until I get the money for a locksmith, those things are safe even from me!

5. I have lived most of my adult life in the fast lane - just like the song says. I have met some rather colorful people and have had some rather unique experiences that I wouldn't really recommend to anyone. I took an exit a few years ago, because my children were getting older and it was time for me to grow up. I don't regret nor do I apologize to anyone (my children included) for the decisions I have made. They made me who I am today and I really like who I am today. If I had it to do all over again, I would in a heartbeat!

6. OMG, I have to come up with 20 more things about me?

7. I taught Art and Crafts to Girl Scout Leaders for a few years. I never knew it took a talent to do crafts until I had to teach adults to glue a couple of Popsicles sticks together and quite a few couldn't do it. We're talking crafts I taught 5 and 6 year olds earlier that summer. Who knew?

8. I'm 5' tall. 5'4" to 5'6" when wearing heals. I LOVE stilettos! Had a lovely collection - till I got rid of my storage! LOL!

9. I don't eat meat except for an occasional Hebrew National Hot dog or a BLT made with this microwave bacon my mom buys. I haven't ate meat (including fowl) since I was 10years old. I saw a documentary on slaughter houses and that was it for me.

10. I really, really suck at sports, except for swimming. I could swim my ass off! LOL!

11. I was thrown off the company softball team because they found out my friend and I had dumped the contents of our Big Gulps and refilled them with wine. I thought we played the bench position we were given when we had a little wine under our belts, but the coach was not in agreement. Silly coach!

12. My grandmother died after years of Alzheimer's. Every time someone even mentions Alzheimer's I burst out in tears. This made watching Grey's Anatomy very hard until they killed off Meridith's mother. The tears would flow so hard, I couldn't see Dr. McDreamy, which made watching the show pointless!

13. I held a record for truancy at Rancho High School for years. If it wasn't for 8 years of Catholic School, I never would have graduated high school. Even then our public school system sucked!

14. I went to Charm School. Charm School Basic, Mid and Advanced. I know which fork to use in any situation.

15. When I went to New York, my brother and I hit some of the hot clubs there at the time. When there was a line to get in I would go up to the bouncer an start a little small talk. Not only did we not once have to wait in line to get in to these places, but in quite a few, we got a great table and were even comped. I was just really good like that! LOL!

16. Before I had kids, I ALWAYS set a formal table for dinner. Used to drive my then boyfriend up the wall and scare the people I may have invited to dinner. LOL!

17. There is a series of 7 books that someone (Forget who - this was a long time ago) wrote about revenge. I read every one. I thought this was good to know if Karma takes too long. LOL!

18. I love to talk to people. Anywhere, any time, any place. No matter where I go, I end up with a new 'friend'. My family has issues with this.

19. I used to go to Wal-Mart on Nellis and Bonanza at 2am just to talk to the two senior citizen guys in the sporting goods section. They had great stories to tell. I would be there for hours sometimes, just listening to their stories. When we moved up here, I lost touch with them. I really miss them.

20. I was 13 when I got my first job. I cleaned the insurance office next to my dad's barber shop on Saturdays. I made $5.00 an hour which was quite a lot considering the minimum wage then was $1.35 an hour. The man who owned the office gave me $20.00 a week for doing that, even if it only took an hour on some days! He said I did a great job, so consider the rest a tip. I did this till I was 16 then passed to job to my sister.

21. When one of the grade school teachers gave my son a list of spelling words and told him to use them in a sentence. He and I came up with one sentence in which we were able to use all 20 words. This is something I ALWAYS wanted to do, but in Catholic School you didn't dare! The teacher called me that night (my kids teachers were ALWAYS calling me. LOL!) and said she gave Frankie and I an A+ for that, but in the future she would like one sentence for each word. LOL!

22. I absolutely can not deal with being bored. I go absolutely nuts, literally. I have a paper and pencil with me at all times just in case. I have been late for appointments because I'd have to come back home to get them. If I get bored I draw. Some of my best work has been created on the 3 hr bus drive from Henderson to where I live

23. When I was 13yrs old I created these little dolls that a Hallmark franchise in Montana was interested in selling in their stores and really wanted to place an order for them. After some consideration I turned them down. Stupid, stupid me!

24. I was a bartender once. I gave it up to cocktail tables at that same establishment. I told them I could make more money cocktailing than being behind the bar. They gave me the slowest shift in the bar. Everyone thought I was nuts. I proved them all wrong. I made more money then, working part time, than I ever did before or since - And I have had some very good paying jobs!

25. I did it! 25 things about me that I don't know why anyone would want to know, but here it is! Have at it and enjoy and don't forget to send me 25 things about you that you don't know why I would want to know, but have decided to share with me anyway! LOL! Love you all!  (©2009 RayleneDeschenes)